Even when they do.
My life seems to be caught in an infinity loop [I first typed circle knowing well that I meant loop..but maybe they are two different things?]. Without looking that up I’m not sure there’s really such a thing but movies and popular media would suggest there is.
On a very different side note I seem to be going blind…I’m noticing my vision not being so great more times than not….or less times than more. I don’t know. Some things I can see just fine and some things I can see fine about seventy five percent of the time and then I think or guess…my eyes must get exhausted while my body is only a touch tired and my mind is wide awake.
The aside actually could contribute to the point I began making. The story I started telling. The existence I lead. [I don’t know what’s up with this sentence/paragraph break…oh well I’m keeping it in..lol]
Things seem to be getting better and then BAM back to negative square one….and seem better..and bam…and better and bam…and so on INFINETLY..but that’s not even what I had inteneded on going on and on about.
Let’s distract from the main track again and say I too keep thinking about writing something under the header of “what keeps you going”….or perhaps what keeps ME going….but same difference of the theme that’s held within.
Horrible paragraph breaks are my friend. They do me wrong less often than actual people and thus my lack of friends that aren’t inanimate or imagined…
Where was I going? Things in a ridiculous repetitive cycle. What keeps me going is a damned good question because it’s sure not anyone but myself despite occasional glimpses that someone else might motivate me…
Music, movies, and professional wrestling kind of keep me sane and keep me occupied *?*. See also College football, a bit of video games (though mostly wrestling..so…circle and cycle)..really the industry of entertainment of the popular vein gets me through> Like that show Dream On where hew as raised by the television; I wasn’t quite raised by it but it’s almost always there for me when nothing and no one else is. Sad or pathetic or whatever through the eyes of you who “Don’t watch tv” but good for you being better than me. Uhmkay I don’t care what you don’t partake in any more than you would want to hear me preach to you about what I myself don’t partake in (for those of you who were wondering if not outright asking I don’t drink, drug, or smoke…I do gamble…I don’t know that any other vice like activities I’m not or am a participant in but I’m obsessively compulsive if not compulsively obsessive….combined with and on top of easily “addicted” (note the quotes because I’m less certifiably an addict than compelled towards the attributes of addiction)
Asides aside…though back on the aside. I’d have a gambling problem if I didn’t sometimes and usually more often than not find myself coming out ahead. I do suffer that trait of addiction where the losing brings more “pleasure” often times if not always than the win. Money is a mother fucker and the root of all evil…and yet I’ve learned to live the life of a pauper rather than pretend to be a prince. Yeah or something and some such nonsense like that.
Now where we and where was I?
People are..people am…I am every day people….woooah oh..
I seem to have lost that spark or that fuse I was traveling seems to been snubbed out before hitting the explosion. All theoretically theological (incorrectly used word that is in fact and in deed)
People disappear from my life…but often reappear in my life. “Dead and gone” could be preferential to their reappearance if they’re just going to go away again. I’m sure I don’t allow myself in or people in either because of that feeling that isn’t just a feeling but a reality. Sometimes I go digging up the past…sometimes they bring themselves back around. Inevitably in both, either, and/or neither case things crumble or fail to…..I don’t know what whatever.
In all fairness sometimes it’s perfectly logical and expected. Multiple people I would be blamed by those people for driving them away but usually even in those situations they wanted an escape plan..an escape hatch….a validated excuse for them to go “Poof”…and they often claim to never look back but then….they come back around….
Everybody wants something. Everyone is out for something that benefits themselves. Note I didn’t say they’re all out to get me. I’m quite sub-sequential to their needs. I’m easily tossed aside at the end of the day and thusly why I treat or have treated other people the same. IT’s not even “I’ll get you before you get me” it’s really just a whole lot of “well there you go” “as expected”…no big loss to my life because that shoe was hovering and constantly waiting to drop anyway…
^^^There’s allegedly counseling or therapy that helps people work through that kind of FEELING but with me in my life it’s substantively not just a feeling but quite the reality. Self fulfilling prophecy a little bit or maybe a lot much in some peoples opinions but I KNOW my reality and you really, bazinga if not ironically, don’t.
That is all there is to that though never all there is to say about that.
So what’s set me off? I’m not angry or bitter though admittedly jaded I’m a little bit sad perhaps. Yep though I am quite an emotional monster I do experience sadness…maybe if only imagined sadness but sadness none the less. ON the flip side of that though I likely come off as miserable to many people I experience happiness too. SHOOOOCKING… I know….mostly I’m merely content if not slightly dissatisfied but “whatcha gonna do”?
A bit of rewind. What gets me through “” or what keeps me going or whatever I said a bit before where we are now. I don’t do or work in any of those fields that keep me moving. I grew up hearing from those who supposedly know best “do something you love” but reality is rarely if ever “do something you love” it’s “do something that pays you and you can tolerate if not love”. The employment I’ve had in my life that I at least “enjoyed” on a level where that was applicable never have lasted. I don’t know what the fuck message the world was is and continues to send me with that nonsense. It could be speculated that I’m a self saboteur for those things I “enjoyed” but things were never in my hands to control; should of been predicted because easily predictable but I tried to believe that wouldn’t be the end result…I lost my way in that sentence but point being things I enjoy apparently aren’t enjoyed by the people who paid me to partake in. [sans a mild bit of editing that last sentence-ish was even more of a mess]
infinitely babbling about nonsense nobody and no one could give a fuck about in regards to my life. IT’s alright I understand. Everyone is so wrapped up in their own little worlds…it’s amazing what I can “get away with” right in the faces of those who pay no attention to anyone but themselves. (One if not many could argue I’m the same as those people. I think I disagree as no matter how much I say the hell with everyone else and how much I genuinely dislike most other people…I believe in people. Ya know? Faith though I’m faithless that people aren’t the massive assholes that most of them seem to be. more projection could be argued but we’re not currently discussing that so I progress via the digression…or digress to progress….I dunno)
In closing to no one in particular. I’m sorry if I got all up in my own head and thought there was a reason behind anything. Inspiration for writing is always appreciated anyway. Getting back to the point I didn’t ever get to or might have touched upon. People constantly come back…it’s more surprising if not disappointing when they seek me out but ultimately have no reason in doing so. …nay…that’s possibly an untruth. Mother fucking magical in any case; itinit?
what the hell am I going on about and jibbering[gibbering?] and jabbering about? Wouldn’t you like to know? “” No probably not right….Not that there’s anyone reading this nonsense. I wouldn’t expect anyone to waste their precious time (not taking a dig on myself by stating such..>I just know reality in spite of living closely beside it in imagination land)
“It’s all the little things that kill”….although it’s the little things that are #awesome too. The small handful of people in my life or around my life…orbiting my life….infinity looping back towards me like a planet to their moon…(or vice versa I’m no scientist..hahahaha :P)..that seemed to be in the same book if not often on the same page as me in said book…those few who “got me”….or did the best job at pretending they did. I greatly appreciate you more than you may be able to ever understand….while ironically at the same time kind of not giving a fuck…because again preventative measure….
Now then on the flip-side of that…a few of those people tend to stick around on the outskirts of the town that is me….have started their own villages and really have become self sufficient enough that they don’t need me…I kind of tend to wonder why? You’re free…no need to keep eyes on me…
my brain just went kaboom…I hope for anyone who isn’t my-selves sake that nobody has read and is currently reading all of this…if you have….I got nothing else for you at least currently (well okay that’s not entirely accurate because there’s a teeny bit more if not just my usual sign off).
“I hate. Everything about you.”
“Would you like to know more?”
(no really would you?)
and don’t forget to STOP that mother fucking boat!
“and then my friend you die man…..AND THEN MY FRIEND YOU DIE!”
bonus quote-ish. If ya know it….you are worthy…if ya don’t but you read through all that nonsense above and didn’t just skip to this….I guess you can set up camp in the outskirts with those who no longer…I don’t know what..but it’s a bit like burning man my metaphor. I’m the man….you are the camps set up on the outskirts…there’s a few weirdos that may even be willing to set up camp much closer to the man but mostly it’s just the people on the outskirts….and I think the people in the infinity circle err..loop….they just get a bit distracted..misguided…lost from their path and they see the reservoir that is me as a nice reprieve from their daily struggles….SHit man that really said it all without saying it all. #Deeeeep.
enough of my jibber and gibber jabber. Go out and tell a stranger you appreciate but hate them. It will do wonders for their psyches….bah hahahahahahahahah